I typically start my day by pouring myself some coffee and then plopping myself on the couch to watch the news, and this morning I heard something I never expected to hear.
"Rod Stewart plans to break the world record for sprinting," the news gal said.
I looked at my coffee the way a hobo in a cartoon looks at their brown-bag-covered bottle of booze when they see something unbelievable, thinking perhaps I had just experienced a Publix-brand coffee-fueled hallucination.
The lamest hallucination of all time.
But nope, it's true. The legendary singer has decided that he is going to train to break the world record for sprinting 100 meters… for people 80 and over.
According to the Independent, Stewart currently runs 100 meters (which is European speak for "a little bit farther than 100 yards") in 19 seconds. Which, at 80 years old, is pretty damn impressive. I mean, that's an age at which an overly-aggressive sneeze might put you out of commission for a few weeks.
However, the current record is 14 seconds, which means that Stewart has a lot of training to do.
"I can do it in 19 seconds, and the record for an 80-year-old is 14 seconds. I’ll never get it to that. But I’m trying," Stewart told the Radio Times.
That's going to be some serious training (by the way, imagine going to the local high school track and watching Rod Stewart run sprints. That'd be bizarre).
Five seconds is a lot of time to make up over a short distance like 100 meters. He's going to need to get a few tenths any way he can get them. For starters, he may want to consider shaving his head. That hairdo of his is going to lead to a lot of drag.
Also, maybe he could get his stomach pumped right before he goes for the record, just so he's as light as possible (c'mon; we all knew we'd have to touch on that famous, debunked urban legend at some point).
But best of luck to Rod "Speedracer" Stewart in his pursuit of 100-meter dash supremacy… among octogenarians.
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