Merry Christmas! Hopefully you enjoyed all that Santa had to bring this morning, and you're stepping away for a few minutes to take a break from your family.
It's understandable. It's the holidays. We take the family in smaller doses during the year for a reason, but enough about that, we're gathered for a few minutes of True Romance.
We're going to get to the bottom of holiday horniness. We've got a Louisiana love triangle that takes a turn, and tales of hooking up with in-laws.
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In other words, it's a packed column this week. I didn’t want to waste anyone's time here and blow through a half-ass week of romance. That's not why we do this every week.
Ali Larter softens things up to start the week by sharing the secret to a strong relationship after more than 16 years of marriage.
It's not that hard, according to the actress. She told People, "Enjoy every day. Try to be really kind."
Keep it simple. The folks in the love triangle gone wrong on Christmas Eve could have used that advice. There would have been more love and less stabbing had they done so.
But they do deserve some credit in the passion department. If they didn’t care, (spoiler alert) getting caught in bed with someone else wouldn’t have mattered to them.
A special thanks to Ali Larter for getting the week going with her simple, yet profound advice. Let's get to the rest of the romance. Don't forget to join the growing following on Twitter and Facebook.
There are some out there I'm sure that will say this particular early morning trip to the hospital on Christmas Eve in Shreveport, Louisiana was avoidable.
Maybe for most of you that's the case, but let's try not to put a lid on this guy's overflowing passion. He has a heart big enough for more than one.
Is finding yourself wrapped up in a love triangle during the holidays really a reason for things to turn physical? That's neither here nor there.
The fact of the matter is they did turn physical. Shreveport police were called to the LSU Ochsner Hospital at 5am, reports KTAL.
The man with a big enough heart for more than one had been stabbed. His girlfriend had discovered him in bed with another woman.
She's apparently not an understanding woman. One who recognizes that the one she loves is a man overflowing with passion.
The "discovery of his dishonesty" led to her own passionate outburst. He ended up being stabbed and taking a trip to the hospital on Christmas Eve.
KTAL said that at the time of their report, no arrests had been made. Let's hope this man of abundant passion recovers fully.
Let's also, for the sake of it being Christmas, hope that these two are able to bring their two passions together and find a way to make the love triangle work for all of them.
Perhaps they could use Ali Larter's advice to help them navigate what comes next: "Enjoy every day. Try to be really kind."
Thank you again, Ali.
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Whether you know it or not, you're hornier than normal during the holidays. It's not the eggnog or the happiness of the season that has you feeling that way. The nerds say it's all the stress.
Yep, there are people studying this kind of thing, because why not? We need to know if, one, you are indeed more horny around the holidays and two, why you have a hard time keeping your pants on.
Imagine if they crack the code and are able to bottle it? They'll have people shooting Ozempic one day and "Holiday Horniness" the next.
"Holidays amplify everything that already exists beneath the surface," said lead author of the finding, Michael Salas, reports NY Post.
"For many people, sex becomes a way to cope with anxiety, loneliness or emotional overload rather than a reflection of genuine desire."
You're not happy and horny you weirdo. You're stressed and horny. In order to stay off the naughty list and let that stress get the better of you, you're getting down and dirty.
Don't take my word for it, here's what the expert Salas said: "When people are overwhelmed, the nervous system looks for relief. Sex can temporarily quiet stress responses, even if the underlying emotional issues remain unresolved."
What about single folks? How do they handle it? They still manage to crank up the extracurricular activity, especially with their exes.
"This season acts like a pressure cooker," continued Salas, of Vantage Point Counseling. "Boundaries weaken, unresolved issues surface and people often lean into intimacy as a way to stabilize themselves emotionally."
If you're trying to keep it going for the rest of the year, it sounds like the answer is more stress. Just ruin your life at a job you hate and put yourself in miserable situations as much as you can.
It will suck most of the time, but on the positive side of the crippling stress, you'll be having a lot more sex. Don't buy the lie that you're horny during the holidays because you're feeling happier. That's just "big happiness" pushing their agenda on you.
It's only right that we wrap this week up Jerry Springer-style with stories from people who have had sex with an in-law, or step-sibling or stepparent.
Why not? It's Christmas after all.
Someone asked the fine folks of Reddit to share their stories of in-laws or step encounters, and they spilled the details of some twisted family drama. Enjoy:
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That's all for Christmas. I hope you were pumping your fist with a "Jerry, Jerry" chant by the time you finished up the "sleeping with an in-law" section.
If I had one person doing that, my Christmas would be complete. I'm a simple man with simple wants and needs. Next up, the New Year.
I'll see you then with another edition of True Romance. As always, you can reach me, anonymously if you prefer, at sean.joseph@outkick.com. Go follow along on Twitter and on Facebook.
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